In Dreams

“A candy-colored clown they call the sandman Tiptoes to my room every night…”

Ya hear that, Buddy? I hear that song twice for each of you guys. Well, not twice for all of you. If you’re lucky, this is the only time we’ll hear it together.

Please allow me to introduce myself. I’ll be your DJ for this evening, your tour guide, your oracle. We’re most definitely not on a first-name basis here—keeps things from getting personal—but you can call me whatever you please. I’m the pre-show, the warm-up, the fluffer. All you gotta do is listen to me. You needn’t say a word, dude. Not to me anyway.

When the feature act arrives, I’ll be the one keeping the tunes rolling. I’m not much of a mix master, but I knows my job, honeychild. The Sandman—he’s the guy you paid the big bucks to see, in a manner of speaking—he gives me a playlist and I provide the tunes. He’s all into themes and shit, so you can pretty much judge by the song titles what each bit of his show is going to be like.

Now, Bubba, I guess you sorta figured out that this is an audience participation show we got going here—kind of a cabaret, old chum. You can participate as much or as little as you want, but in my experience, audience members tend to enjoy the show—and live longer—the more they participate. Shhhhhh. No talking. Yet.

Alright. Brass tacks, if you’ll pardon the analogy. The Sandman doesn’t like me to give away his secrets, likes to keep things spontaneous, more or less, so I’m going to go through some of the highlights of his playlist with you. You’ll be hearing a few of the classics. Watch closely. When I say a song title, I’ll give you a little glimpse of the tool ol’ Senor Sandman is likely to use to help you remember things for the duration of that particular track. I should tell you that he doesn’t like remixes, so all of the tracks played tonight will be originals, with their original durations. This can be pretty important as the evening progresses.

The Sandman always likes to start things off with a little “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.” It tends to heighten sensations and seems to get things rolling right away. We’ll hear that entire side of “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” to give the drugs time to work.

Y’ever heard a little ditty called “Needles and Pins” by the Searchers? Don’t answer. I don’t care. Just know you’ll hear it tonight. Don’t worry. It’s a short song, and the Sandman does have a degree in the Asian healing arts. How about Rod Stewart’s classic “The First Cut is the Deepest?” Elton John’s “Razorface?” As I’m sure you guessed, this little tray of sharp objects here will get some use during this portion of the show.

At some point during the evening, you’ll probably hear a little studio group from the sixties called the Piltdown Men with their not-so-classic surf rocker “Brontosaurus Stomp.” No tools involved here; just a big motherfucker named Jack.

Now, now, Abdul, or Chang, or Leroy, or Bill, or Liam, or whatever your name is, we won’t have any tears—plenty of time for crying once the floorshow begins. Now pay attention.

Do you like Boston? The group, not the town. How about their little ditty “Smokin’?” This little acetylene torch comes in handy for that one.

O.K., Mac, you’re getting wayyyy too upset, so I’m just gonna point out a couple more little stops on this trolley-ride of love. You know what this is? This here is an old-timey crank telephone. When you hear ELO’s “Telephone Line,” ask not for whom the bell tolls, my friend. It tolls for you. Well, actually, for little Jimmy and the boys. Yup, Macky old boy, I clips one of these ‘gator thingies to each of little Jimmy’s boys, and that ol’ Sandman turns the crank until he hears that song he likes so well: you singin’ like a considerably distressed bird.

And then there’s my personal favorite: “You Always Hurt the One You Love.” I like to use the Spike Jones version because of the “keeeracks” and “kuhrunches” his City Slickers threw in from time to time. Kinda helps set the mood.

But all of that doesn’t amount to a hill of beans, Hoss, compared to this. And let me make this perfectly clear. Remember Dick Nixon? Remember how he said it? “I want to make one thing perrrrrfectly clearrrrr.” You do not. Under any circumstances. Want to hear this song again. You don’t want to hear Roy Orbison even start singing about that ol’ candy-colored clown. Because if you do, it’s over, man. Over. I can’t do anything for you. Do not pass Go. Do not collect 200 dollars. Finished. Over. Done. Believe me, friend. I’m serious as the heart attack you’ll be praying for if you ever hear “In Dreams” again.

Look at me, bro’. See the truth. I’ve seen these things go on for days, and my man has never lost one yet, so don’t think you can just give up, and he’ll just let you die. I ain’t lyin’—you ain’t dyin’. If you hear “In Dreams” start up, it doesn’t matter any more how much enlightening info you impart, because it means the Sandman has quit bein’ businesslike about this thing and is just going for personal enjoyment. And I’ve never seen a man who enjoyed his work so much, if you know what I’m sayin’. But if you give him what he needs to hear before he tells me to lay down this track, we’re done for the day, and the lovely nurse will take care of your pain. So if I was you, I’d answer every question quickly, succinctly, and truthfully. And don’t make me have to play Mr. Orbison again for you. Are you feelin’ me, Cuz? Good.

And now, without further ado, the fabulous Chuckle Chamber in beautiful Kuwait City is proud to present, straight from an extended engagement at Guantanamo Bay, the legend himself, Mr. Peel-Me-Your-Grapes, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome The Sandman!

“Change my pitch up, smack my bitch up.

Change my pitch up, smack my bitch up.

Change my pitch up, smack my bitch up…”

© 2025, Brian G Parker

© 1963, "In Dreams" lyrics by Roy Orbison

© 1997, "Smack My Bitch Up" lyrics by Liam Howlett, Cedric Miller, Trevor Randolph, Maurice Smith, Keith Thornton