Snot Girl and Booger Boy

Chapter 1: Twins

Theodore (not Theo or Ted or Teddy—his parents frowned on shortened names) and his twin sister Eleanor (not Ellen or Elie or Elle—again, the frowning) were in the den coloring when Father (not Dad or Daddy or Pa) came home from work, and Mother (you get the picture) called them to dinner.

Theodore and Eleanor, though twins, looked nothing alike and in no way resembled either of their parents. They knew this (because, duh, mirrors) and because, on the rare occasions they were out with Mother and Father, no one ever said anything like “He has your eyes!” or “She has your nose!” In fact, no one ever said anything like that because their parents never introduced them to others, and when asked, never said anything other than maybe a small grunt or nod in their direction, and sometimes a tight smile.

It wasn’t that Robert and Marjorie didn’t love their children. They did. Or at least they thought they did. But the children were so—different. Robert and Marjorie just didn’t know what to do with them.

First, the children were a complete surprise. Oh, yes, they knew how the whole marriage and having a family thing was supposed to work, and they knew that at some point they would have a child, but they hadn’t expected it to happen so soon (exactly nine months to the day after their marriage), and they had absolutely only expected one baby, not two.

For the first few months, Robert and Marjorie had trouble telling Theodore and Eleanore apart. Not only were they twins, but they were babies, and as far as Robert and Marjorie were concerned, other than hair and eye color and the presence (or lack of) of dangly bits, all babies looked the same. As for Theodore and Eleanor, both had brown hair and hazel eyes, so one actually had to see them naked to tell them apart. Of course, this was a problem for Robert and Marjorie because the only times anyone was allowed to be naked in their house were at bath time and diaper changing. So, until Theodore and Eleanor began to exhibit their own personalities and change shape, Robert and Marjorie just said “the baby” (when only one was in the room) or “the babies.”

After a while, Theodore and Eleanor stopped being babies and started being toddlers. Theodore got taller, but stayed relatively thin, while Eleanor stayed shorter but got rounder. He was not skinny, and she was not fat, though. Just different than they had been. Normally.

The twins becoming toddlers was quite a blow to Robert and Marjorie. Until the twins started walking and getting into things, they hadn’t had to deal very much with them. Oh, sure, Marjorie fed and bathed them adequately and changed their diapers when necessary (that was her job), while Robert worked somewhere doing something in an office, and Robert sometimes rocked them to sleep and muttered things to them when he was finished reading his evening paper.