A Dear John Letter

Dear John;

The attached picture is of something very valuable to you. You seem to value it above all other things in the world. You seem to value it so much that you spend much of your time searching for similar objects, usually in the possession of strangers. It hurts me to know this, especially with all the diseases going around. Anyway, if you ever expect to see this particular one again, you’re going to have to do me a few favors for a change. IF you do not comply with the following demands immediately and to the letter, your rights to the object in the picture and to all related objects in my personal control will be permanently suspended.

1. You will renounce your “friendly” relationships with all your female friends except as may be required by your job.

   
   

2. As much as possible, you will avoid being alone with any woman but me.

3. You will spend a minimum of 4 hours every evening with me and your children, except as prearranged and agreed upon with me personally (that is, not on the fucking phone).

4. You will be tested for all STDs and will provide me with the results in writing from your physician.

5. You will take me and your children on a minimum of two vacations each year, one of which must be at least two weeks in duration. These vacations will be taken at locations to be decided by the entire family. During these vacations, you will be allowed one and only one day to play golf.

6. You will treat my parents and siblings with the same respect I have treated your family and siblings for the entire time we have known each other.

7. You will refrain from using hurtful terms to describe me or your children.

This is it, John. I’m serious. If I don’t get what I want, you don’t get what you want. And don’t even think about a divorce, because I’ve got you by the balls on that one, too.

Somehow, I still love you, John. Don’t fuck this up.

--Celia