Driven

All right, you dried-up geriatric bastards! The doors are locked, the batteries have been removed from your Rascal Scooters, and I’ve twisted knots in your catheters. If you ever want to see tapioca again, you’re going to by-god sit there quietly and listen to what I have to say.

I’ve checked, and because you freaks account for better than half the population of Florida, they aren’t going to be requiring you glacially slow fuckwits to take annual driving exams after the age of 70, and because they aren’t going to bar you half-blind, stone deaf pinballs from bouncing around the state’s roads after the age of 80, I’ve decided to give you one last chance before I buy a surplus army tank with a plow on front to take care of the problem myself. If you follow a few simple rules, we might be able to get along, share the roads, and keep the roads clear of dented vehicles. And, we might even be able to keep those slimeball cuntsucks at the insurance companies from raising our rates while refusing to pay legitimate claims.

Here are the rules:

1. The turn signal is NOT an optional item on your car. It comes standard, and it doesn’t cost you cheap bastards a single penny to use them.

2. The turn signal is a toggle switch. This means you can manually turn it off if it doesn’t turn itself off. PAY FUCKING ATTENTION! Some of you fossils have been driving around here with your left turn signal on in that fucking green Dodge Dart since you left Michigan in 1967.

3. Those of you who use your turn signals to signal turns are to be commended. However, you do not need to signal a turn that you do not plan to make for six more blocks.

4. You need not use a turn signal while in a traffic circle. The exception to this rule is when you decide to allow centrifugal force to drift you out of the center-most lanes, across the outer-most lanes and out of the circle.

5. When there is a turn lane, you need not stop your car in the traffic lane before drifting into the turn lane. Simply use your turn signal, drift into the turn lane, and slow to a stop to allow oncoming traffic to pass before making your turn.

6. If you have begun your drift into the turn lane, do not suddenly realize you’re on the wrong block and dart back into the traffic lane without looking. Your age may be a serious test of the theory of relativity, but the rest of us are still bound by the laws of time and must have some of that precious stuff to react to your stupidity and blindness.

7. The right lane is for slow fucks. Stay there.

8. Lane markers are not suggestions. They are also not something on which to center your car. You are supposed to center your car between them. Try it sometime. It’s fun.

9. If the white sign on the side of the interstate says 70, it is NOT a pleasant reminder of your age. It is the speed limit. If you can’t drive faster, at least drive at the speed limit. IN THE RIGHT LANE!

10. The sign that says that the minimum speed on the interstate is 40 is happy horseshit. Ignore it. If you drive anywhere near 40 on the interstate, you will get run over. And it will be a pleasure to do it.

11. If your family has been stupid enough to give you a cell phone, do not use it in your car, or your next enema will be courtesy of Sprint.

12. No more than one person over the age of 70 is allowed to occupy the same vehicle. Studies have shown that the likelihood of complete stupidity behind the wheel increases by 45% for every Q-Tip occupying a vehicle.

13. If you have never successfully paid at the pump, please don’t try it again. Other people are waiting in line to pay way too much for gasoline. Gasoline that was relatively inexpensive until you casket-wearers-to-be put that illiterate crack-head in the White House.

14. Red means stop. Green means go. Yellow does not mean slow down, then speed up, then decide to stop in the middle of the goddamn intersection.

15. The steering wheel is not a place to rest your book. It is a thing to steer the car with. If you want to read a book, do it back at the nursing home.

16. If someone honks their horn at you, it doesn’t mean “Hello, nice to see you.” It means “Get out of the way, you fucking ancient moron!”

17. When I motion you out of the parking lot ahead of me, don’t fucking wave to thank me. The only thanks I need is that you hurry the hell up.

18. If God is your co-pilot, give him the freaking wheel and let him drive.

19. What would Jesus drive? He’s Jesus, you idiots. He doesn’t need to drive.

20. The upside of that Lincoln Continental you drive is that it is safe, comfortable, and easy to see. The downside (for you, but not for the rest of us) is that you will fit in the trunk quite nicely, and no one will blame us for putting you there.

Thank you. That is all. You’ll be allowed to leave as soon as I get home and call in to let the folks here know it’s safe to turn you loose.

© 2025 Brian G Parker